Humor from Scotland

We just saw the new 007, which we loved, particularly because it ended in Scotland. The scenes were in winter and looked pretty bleak, but amazing. My husband and I went to Scotland a few summers ago, and we had a blast of a time, especially trying to figure out the roundabouts and bus stops. But, it sure was beautiful with wild flowers growing all over by the side of the roads.

My favorite thing to do while we drove around the highlands and lowlands was listen to the radio stations.The Scots really have a great sense of humor, and I enjoyed the poking fun of just about everything - because it is free! (I am part Scottish - the Anderson clan)

Here are some of my favorite jokes I heard:

A keen Scottish rugby supporter was watching a match against England at Murrayfield. Beside him was the only empty seat in the entire stadium.

"Whose seat is that?" asked the man on the other side.

"It's my wife's."

"By why isn't she here?"

"She's dead."

"Well, why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They're all at the funeral."

A passer-by outside a small Highland village saw a young girl struggling to drive a reluctant cow along the road.

"I've got to take it out to the bull," explained the child.

"Couldn't your father do that?" asked the passer-by.

"Oh, no," said the child. "He said it had to be the bull.

A man from Aberdeen came across a perfectly good crutch lying by the side of the road. He picked it up, hurried home with it and broke his wife's leg.

How many Scots does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's not that dark, is it?

Why do pipers march when they play?

A moving target is harder to hit.

How does a Moray ploughman have a bubble bath?

He has a plate of beans for dinner.

Golf - the sport in which you shout "Fore!", shoot five, and write three.

Dr. Watson of Edinburgh was famous for his bedside manner and his ability to reassure patients. Calling on one of his patients one day, he said, "I have bad news and very bad news. Which would you like me to tell you first?"

The patient gulped. "Er, the bad news, Doctor."

"You have only one day left to live," said Dr. Watson

"If that's the bad news, what can the very bad news be? gasped the patient.

"I should have told you yesterday."

Bagpipes - defined as the missing link between music and noise.

A schoolboy was trying on his first long trousers.

"They're too tight." he said to his mother. "Tighter than my skin."

"How can they be tighter than your skin?"

"I can sit down in my skin."

After an open-air service, the preacher passed his hat round the scanty collection of people who had stood listening to him. It came back completely empty. The preacher raised his eyebrows, surveyed the gathering, then looked skyward. "I thank Thee, O Lord," he declared, "for the safe return of my hat.

An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.

"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.

"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.

"Are you?"said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

When Hamish was still at school, he once brought home a report which said, "We had thought Hamish had reached rock bottom. But he has started digging."

A Scotsman, An Englishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil," he growled.

Two farm lads were out driving in their pick-up truck when the brakes failed on a hill. "Help!" cried one, "we're going to crash."

"It's all right," said the other. "there's a stop sign at the bottom."

A London-dwelling Scotsman met a friend one day, who noticed his long face.

"What's the matter, Wuliie?"

"Well, I was on jury service, and I was given three days in jail."

"For being on a jury? How did that happen?"

"The judge said 'What is your name?' and I said 'William Wallace MacDiamid MacGregor.' He said 'Are you Scottish, by any chance?' and I said 'Are you a bloody comedian?'"

"Why are you crying?' young Jimmy asked little Maisie next door.

"Cos my granny's gone to heaven," she sobbed.

"Och well, don't cry - maybe she hasn't," said Jimmy sympathetically.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in 25 years."

"Good gracious! Why not?"

"She doesn't like being interrupted."